10 things to never say to a groomer

I am going to preface this post by saying that this is really particular to me as a groomer. I'm sure that there are some groomers out there that don't mind hearing these things, but these really grate on me. Some of the time, I am sure these are being said out of the feeling that you need to make conversation with me as you are leaving your dog in my care. I get that, but let's talk about the weather instead, ok?

 1. Be nice to him
I understand why you are saying this. Your dog is your baby, your life and you want him to be spoiled rotten while in the care of another person. Here's what I hear "My dog is a spoiled brat that has never heard the word no so don't make him do anything he doesn't want to do."
I became a groomer because I love dogs. I am nice to every single dog that walks in my door. Do I raise my voice sometimes at dogs? Yes. I do it for their safety. If a dog is consistently barking in their crate I will tell them to stop as it can stress out the other dogs. If your dog is being sassy on the table, I will tell them no because I am working with sharp objects and I don't want them to get hurt. Everything I do is in the best interest of your dog.

 2. Don't forget to _____.
Yes, I know, that once, I forgot to clean his ears. Really, you don't have to remind me every single time for the rest of your grooming experience. I know I forgot, I had a rough day. We all have those.
I do the best I can on every dog, every time.
Have you ever had that morning when your alarm didn't go off and you ran late? How about the morning that you forgot you were out of coffee? Is your kid sick? I have those nights and days too, so sometimes I get forgetful.
My other favorite is "Make sure you get his nails as short as possible." Oh good, thank you for saying that. I was going to half ass them. Every time I hear these things, I think of the movie Office Space and the damn cover sheet for the TPF report.

 3. Oh, I wish I had your job, you get to play with puppies all day!
Every once in a blue moon, that is true, I do get to play with puppies. And let me tell you, it is glorious. The puppy breath, the adorable everything about them, the silliness... it melts my heart. Do you know what happens after I get to play with your sweet puppy? I have to do the one thing they hate almost as much as going to the vet, I have to give them a bath. And then your sweet, fluffy puppy might turn into Cujo. At best, I have to wrestle with what is basically a greased pig to safely get through the grooming. All the while, the actually Cujo is drying in a crate and I have to once again wonder if today's the day that my reflexes aren't fast enough and I'm going to get nailed.

4. He can be a little nippy.
Can we stop calling it anything other than it is? Your dog might try to bite me. Calling it nipping or mouthing or "being playful" may be a sweet way for you to downplay it, but I have to be on point all the time worrying about being bit. One bad bite and I'm out of work for a few weeks. That's the best case scenario. The worst is that I can never groom again. So, no, it's not cute that Fluffy is nippy, it scares the hell out of me.

5.Why is it so expensive? Your just shaving him down.
There are a number of reasons why it is more expensive, but it's usually because if I am shaving your dog down, it was probably a hot mess. Which means that now I am working on a moving target with sharp objects while the hair is pelted to the body. This means that I am WAY more likely to cut your dog. Shaving down a matted dog takes twice as long as giving them a nice fluffy haircut. And even if your dog is in pristine condition, it is still harder to scissor and blend a short hair cut. Because if you go too short or miss a spot, there is nothing to hid or blend into.
Another one in this category is "It's just like shearing a sheep". You get the the sheep normally looks like shit and is bleeding at the end, right?

 6. He hated the last groomer, he shook the whole time we stood there.
First, I will not bad mouth another groomer. We are all doing the best we can. I try very hard to get to know other groomers in my area and work together to make the dogs in our community better.
Second, why was he really shaking? Maybe the shop smelled strange that day. Maybe another dog was there and stressed out and he fed off of that. Maybe there was a car alarm going off two miles away from your house last night and he didn't sleep well. These are all factors that can play into a dog having a rough day. If you didn't like something about your last groom, talk to me about the technical issues and we can work through that together to make this groom the best one it can be.

 7. Just give him a puppy cut.
I cannot say this enough, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PUPPY CUT.
Well, that's not 100% true. Poodles have a show cut that is called a puppy cut, but I am absolutely certain that's not what you want. When I hear someone say this, I want to grab you and tell you to use your words. (This also applies to people saying "Just take a little off" or "I like his ears") How much do you want taken off your dog? An inch? More? Less? Do you like the head longer? Rounded? Ears and tail - long or short? I have heard some people tell me that a puppy cut is a short, even all over hair cut. Fine, but what does short mean to you? Your dog is an individual, let's treat him as such.

8. Just give him the haircut you like.
Listen, I own a Pitbull mix, a smooth coated something mix and my Pomeranian mix gets shaved down year round with a multi colored mohawk. I'm pretty sure that what you like and what I like are very different. Have some idea of what you like when you walk into the shop and we can go from there.

 9. I spent $10,000 on him.
The truth is, I don't care. If you spent a lot of money on your dog, it means one of two things: You bought a really well bred dog or you got ripped off. Either way, the money you spent will not completely define your dogs temperament and personality. I know rescue dogs that are amazing and pure bred dogs that are assholes. There's a lot more to a dog than where they came from.

10. Don't make my dog look like a poodle.
I see red when I hear this. I actually have to calm myself down to type this out, that's how angry I get. Here are the list of reasons why this is the worst thing you can say to me.
 - You are implying that there is something wrong with how poodles look. I adore poodles. I think they are the best dogs to groom as their coat is the most versatile coat out there to work on. I can make a poodle look like anything I want.
 - You have an idea in your head of what a poodle looks like and that is probably nothing like what I think of when I think of a poodle. The main poodle I groom has a mohawk. Is that what you don't want? I can make a poodle look like anything and, chances are, I cannot make your dog look like a poodle if I wanted to. Tell me what you do want your dog to look like instead. Or tell me that you think if his head is too big she looks like a poodle and you don't like that. Use your words.
 - You are assuming that I am going to give your dog a haircut that you don't want. That you are going to tell me that you like a certain haircut and I am going to completely disregard what you say and give them the haircut I prefer.
I have heard this from every type of dog and mix breed out there. "Don't make my schnauzer look like a poodle." I have no idea how this is even possible. How any dog that is not a poodle can look like a poodle is beyond me. Some people think that a shaved dog looks like a poodle, some people think a big head looks like a poodle. Those are all just components of a hair cut. Those things to not make a poodle.
Or my all time favorite thing to make me crazier than I have ever been before: "Don't poodle my doodle." Listen, your dog is half poodle, that's what makes up the mix. I can no more make them not look like a poodle than I can change their genetic structure. If you didn't want a poodle-looking dog, don't get a poodle mix. If there is something specific that you don't like your dog to have, like a shaved face, then just tell me that.