Anakin

It is amazing to me that with everything that has happened to me in the last year (getting fired from a job, having a baby) nothing has compelled me to update my blog until now.

I have had to put dogs to sleep before. We said goodbye to our beagle almost two years ago after finding what we guessed was very advanced cancer. I've been with my family saying goodbye to our dogs and cats. I've even gone with friends when they've needed to say goodbye. Nothing prepared me for how difficult this one would be.

Anakin was my first dog. The first dog that wasn't my mom's or my family's dog, but my dog.

My ex and I adopted Anakin almost 12 years ago. He was a sweet, four month old puppy that we had no right taking home. We were living paycheck to paycheck and did not have the money to take care of a puppy, but reason goes out the window when a golden ball of fur curls up into your lap and falls asleep.

He wasn't the best puppy in the world; he got into things he shouldn't have and chewed up a things like dining room table legs. But he was smarter than we could have imagined. The first night home, he jumped over the baby gate so he could sleep with us instead of in the pantry. He would hide under the big pine tree in our yard when he had done something wrong knowing I couldn't get to him to scold him.

As he got older, I knew there was something more to him. He had a calming presence that everyone could feel. People who had dogs that didn't like other dogs, liked Anakin.

He became a therapy dog and a blood donor. He literally saved lives.

And I look back on all of this and I feel guilt. I could have done so much more.

Had I not been 23 when I adopted him, I could have given him a better life. There was so much I didn't know when I adopted him. I knew nothing about training, but thankfully Anakin was smart enough to train me. I fed him crap food and did not exercise him as I should have. But we learned together.

I wish I would have devoted more time to him. Played with him more, taken him swimming more, spent time with just him and not the other animals in our house.

We received a sympathy card today from our vet. In it she quoted Dr. Suess: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

So, now I need to try and focus on the amazing things I did for Anakin and he did for me. There are far, far too many for me to list here.

I miss you Ani. The house feels empty without you.