The Couple That Trains Together....

Have you guys heard what my husband is doing? He is training for a marathon.  A freaking marathon. (Check out his blog here) He is all signed up for New Orleans Rock and Roll Marathon in January. (And I am super excited for my NOLA vacation!)

First off, there are very few words to explain how proud of him I am. This is a huge goal and although he has run a half marathon, it's been a while. We were also both very lax with exercising up until recently, so both of us diving into training has been fun and challenging. Every morning that he gets up and goes for a run, I fill with pride and a find I have a little extra personal motivation to get my butt out of bed and do something.

I love that he and I both have goals that we are training for. His will be completed months before mine, but I am confident that this goal will give him the motivation to keep going in one way or another.

I love that we can train at the same time, but here's a secret: I hate actually training with another person. I don't mind weight lifting together, or taking a class together, but I hate biking or running with someone else when I actually have a training goal.

The reason? I always feel like I'm holding them back.

My first 5k back into running was rough for me. I couldn't get into the pace that I wanted to and I was beyond frustrated my entire run. John ran/walked with me the entire way, which was amazing and sweet of him, but honestly, it made me feel worse. He could have finished that 5k in 30 minutes. Instead he spent 45 minutes with me. I wanted to tell him multiple times to just go and leave me behind, but I knew it was more important to him to support me than to have a good run.

My second 5k wasn't any better. That time I was running with my sister Meghan and our friend Laura, who are both training for a 10k right now. They were sweet and walked/ran with me as I struggled through the first mile. I finally told them to go ahead without me. I'm bummed that I wasn't there with them to shove cupcakes in our faces together, but I felt much better running alone than running with them and holding them back from what they could accomplish. I still felt great as they were both there cheering me on at the end.

So, what John and I have now is perfect. Our alarms go off at almost the same time. (And it's almost because I need to snooze for 30 minutes before I get up and he just pops out of bed :) )

Knowing that he is getting up and exercising makes me want to get up and exercise. Well, it doesn't make me want to as much as it makes me feel guilty if I don't. Either way, I'm still getting my butt out of bed!

So, while I appreciate my friends and family wanting to run by my side and help me finish, what I really need it for you to just keep cheering. Whether its at the end of the race yelling my name, or a kind post on Facebook, that is the motivation that really helps me keep going. Keep reminding me that I can do this, no matter how hard it is sometimes.

I will succeed.

I will become a triathlete and my husband will become a marathon runner.

Accepting the Compliment

I hate compliments.

I love being the center of attention (shocking to those that know me, I know!), but I hate being complimented. A compliment typically points out something physical, and when your self-esteem is low, you don't want anything physical pointed out. Every compliment draws attention to a spot I don't want attention drawn to.

"Wow Erin, you look great! Swimming is really paying off!"

*internal voice* "Seriously?!?! I'm bloated and fat and my arms are still huge and I haven't lost a single pound"

The problem is, I look in the mirror every day, multiple times a day. I rarely see a change in my physical appearance. I spend my days beating myself up for not miraculously dropping 100lbs overnight.

I don't see what you see.

"Woo Hoo! You finished a 5k! That's awesome!"

*internal voice* "Big whoop. I walked half of it. People that walked the entire race finished before me."

It's not that I don't believe you, but it's hard for me to believe that you and I can both look at the same thing and see such different images. Even the compliments from my husband don't feel real. I keep thinking that he has to be nice to me, he's married to me.

So, how do I fix this? This is something that I have struggled with my whole life. How, at 32, do I change?

I start by being more positive.

"Wow Erin, you look great! Swimming is really paying off!"

*internal voice* "Swimming is paying off. I feel better than I have in a long time. Who cares if the scale isn't a perfect reflection of how I feel?!?!"

"Woo Hoo! You finished a 5k! That's awesome!"

*internal voice* "Hell yeah I finished that 5k. And it sucked. Who cares that I finished near the end? I'm still way ahead of all those people who never started."

Managing Expectations (aka Living with Disappointment)

I ran my first 5k post foot surgery yesterday. I had a goal of finishing it within 40 minutes (which seemed like more than enough based on my training). I finished in just under 45 minutes. Needless to say, I was disappointed.

I have a terrible struggle with setting goals as when I don't meet them, I feel like every reason I may have for not getting there is just a silly excuse. I know that I beat myself up more than I need to, but I am always my worst critic.

This weekend was a rough one, to be fair. Saturday, the dog food company I work for, Fromm Family Foods, held it's first annual Pet Fest. It was a roaring success and I was on my feet from 8:30am-7pm. I put in just over 15,000 steps, many more than I normally would the day before a race.

Race day started out pretty well, but as it has been almost three years since I ran a race, I wasn't really sure how to eat. Normally, I get up and run on just my Spark energy drink. Then I come home and eat breakfast. Since I was getting up more than 2 hours before my race, I knew that I needed to eat something. So I had a Spark and a banana. I wanted something simple that wouldn't upset my stomach.

That was a terrible idea. My stomach started grumbling in the car ride down.

My sister had warned my that there would be a few hills. The first hill was in the first half mile of the course. And it kicked my butt. I moved my goal from running the first two miles without stopping, just to making it a mile without stopping. As soon as I hit the first mile, I had to stop and stretch. The calf on my bad foot was already tightening and my quad on my other leg was starting to be uncomfortable.

After stretching out, I would make it about a half mile before having to walk again. I repeated this process for the rest of the race.

The second hill in the course? Yeah, I walked that.

But as soon as I saw the finish line and knew that I had already completely 3 miles, I kicked it into high gear. If there is one thing that I can do pretty well, it's sprint. My kick was impressive and I felt great as I finished the race.

Would I have liked to finish it faster? Yes. But I did finish it. That is what matters.

I am going to keep my goal of finishing a 5k in under 40 minutes. But I will continue to be ok with just finishing. This is how I am going to approach all of my workout goals. I have to remember that I had just had foot surgery 5 months ago. I have made HUGE progress since then. Everything else is just a bonus :)

My Invisible Disease

There has been a lot of talk about depression lately. A lot of people are struggling to understand how a star as bright as Robin Williams could take his own life. I have heard friends talk about how they don't understand why he or anyone else with depression doesn't just get help. I don't have all of the answers, and my journey is unique to me, but I thought I would share what it is like, for me, living with depression.

I have always been a very emotional person. I take the loss of life whether is be a pet or person very hard. I remember my grandparents friend, Muriel, passing away when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. When I made it to the front of the church, I was sobbing, and Muriel's husband, Nick, consoled me.

When I was 12, my aunt was murdered. 8 months later, my grandfather passed away. I had no idea how to deal with the onslaught of emotions that came with these two events.

I was diagnosed with Major Depression when I was 13.

I cannot say that it was because of the events in my life that I have depression, but I feel strongly that they were a factor. I may have become depressed even without the tragedy, but I don't know that for sure.

I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was put on Effexor to help treat my depression. There were other medications after that, but they all made me feel sort of fuzzy. Life seemed better, but it never really felt like my life. After about three years, I decided not to take medication anymore.

For the next five years or so, I would go back and forth taking medication, or not taking medication. Wanting to get treated and find help, and not wanting to talk about my issues with anyone.

I developed panic attacks. I would lay in my bed as my heart raced, but looking around, the world seemed to move in slow motion. I felt as though my heart would jump out of my skin and I wouldn't be able to stop it.

By the time my panic attacks were at their worst, I did not have the income to support going back on medication much less seeing a therapist once a week. I taught myself how to control my panic attacks and how to handle my depression. This is not the best way to go about it, but I felt that it was my only option.

For my panic attacks, I would find a quiet, dark corner and keep my head between my legs until my heart rate slowed down.

For my depression, I would simply lock myself in my room. As far away from people as I could. I slept, a lot. None of this solved my problems, but it allowed my to at least live with them. I never felt like I could ask for help. People just think that when you have depression, you are just really, really sad. If you would just smile or go out with friends, you would feel better. Let me make one thing very, very clear: They are wrong. There is no amount of upbeat music and kittens and rainbows that will pull me from the depths of my depression. When I am in that place, I can be comforted, but I cannot be "cured".

Fast forward to today; I still do the same things. There are days and times that I get sad for no apparent reason. I just want to lay and bed and be left alone. The difference is, now I have a husband who wants to make me better. He at least wants to know how to help when I get to that place. And the truth is, I don't know if he can.

I found this image on Pinterest, which led me to this lovely blog. This person summed up my feelings perfectly.

It's not that I don't want help, it's that most of the time, I feel like no one can understand me. I spend my life showing this outwardly happy woman that I feel like it would be hard for people to understand the darkness I live with. 

I also do not want to be put back on medications. The side effects of depression medication can be just as bad as the disease itself. I am lucky enough to have wonderful people in my life that help me out of my dark places and I am able to live with my disease. But there may be a day that I can't, and I will need those people to help me see that as well. 

The main theme of this post is simple: Do not judge what you do not understand. What I have gone through may be similar to what others with depression have experienced, and it may be nothing like it. People with depression all struggle with a journey that may be hard to understand to an outsider. So please, please, support those that need your support. Love those that need your love. And if you can, build a nest for those that need a nest and hold their hand until they need more than that. 

Ugh. Whose legs are those?

Up until about two years ago, I didn't wear shorts unless I had to. And 90% of my dresses were long. I hated hate my legs. I joke that I have giant man legs and no ankles.

I finally reached a point where I realized that shorts were an evil necessity. So, I now own a pair.

Literally. I have one pair of shorts.

I have more short dresses now, because summer in Wisconsin can be a "touch" warm and I got a big case of the fuck-its and decided that comfort mattered more than how I looked.

Since Fall is fast approaching here in Milwaukee, I decided this morning would be a good dress day. (Who knows how many we have left!)

I grabbed my favorite orange dress and added accessories that I really like. I looked in the mirror and loved how the top half of me looked. And then I look at my legs.

"Ugh. Whose legs are those? They can't be mine. Those legs are ugly and I hate them."

As I drove to work (still in my dress) I thought a lot about "those legs".

"Those legs" helped me run 1.25 miles this morning.

"Those legs" let me swim every week and keep moving me faster and faster as I get better.

"Those legs" got me down the isle to marry my husband.

They may not be pretty, they may not be model worthy, but they are pretty amazing. They help me accomplish amazing goals. They help me walk my dogs, or enjoy a beautiful day. They let me play bocce ball when we go camping or to stand and groom dogs. They do an awful lot for me, maybe it's time I stopped being so hard on them.

So here I am with my amazing legs. It doesn't matter what they look like, or if they don't fit into the mold I think they should. They have helped me to do marvelous things. I wonder what we will do together tomorrow?

Get Inspired

I was thinking back about the reason that I started swimming. Or the reason I started running. Heck, the reason I started eating better and attempting to be a healthier better me. I realized that I did all of this not only because I knew it was good for me, but because I was inspired by others. It doesn't matter who inspires you to be a better person, but I think, as a people, we need to find inspiration in others. And then, we need to turn around and tell them how lucky we are to have them in our lives. Today, I want to tell you about the people that inspired me to be healthy.

Susan Lacke

One of the reasons I wanted to talk about my inspirations was because of something posted on my facebook wall by this woman.

Susan Lacke: I'm so glad you have taken to swimming like a fishy. It makes sense, 'cause that's what your vagina smells like.
Erin Hennen: The love I feel from you is palpable. And by that, I mean I can still feel the STD from your last visit.
Susan Lacke: That's what they call herpes "the gift that keeps on giving."

To an outsider, this conversation is ridiculous. Hell, to me it's ridiculous. But not only did I laugh out loud, I felt a ton of pride. This woman inspires the shit out of me. She is my sisters best friend and I spent a lot of time with her while they were in college, bar hoping and smoking like it was going out of style. Then one New Years, she decided it was time to change. She was going to run a 5k. And she did. And less than two years later, she completed her first Iron Man. Now, an Iron Man is NOT a goal of mine, but good lord, when this woman puts her mind to it, she can complete anything.

And, on top of all the crazy training she did, she also got her doctorate. She is now a full time writer and has columns in many different publications including No Meat Athlete and Competitor. (check out her articles, I adore them http://susanlacke.com/writer.html)

Susan inspires me every day to keep trying. Mainly because I fear that if she finds out I'm slacking, she'll fly up here and kick my butt. She's scrappy.

Meghan Boyle

While Susan was busy becoming a running freak, she not only inspired me, but she also inspired my sister. Meghan and I have always been bigger girls. Once our metabolism started slowing down, the pounds came much easier. The first huge inspiration from my sister came in 2007 when she moved to London, by herself, to finish her last semester of school. When she landed at Heathrow, she had to figure out how to get herself and all of her belongings to her new home, in a city she had never been to before. Brave doesn't even begin to describe this adventure. If my sister was brave enough to start a new adventure, so was I.

Not only did she move to a new country, she dropped a crazy amount of weight. This is probably because she was broke and had to walk all the time, but nonetheless, it started her on a healthy lifestyle. She dropped more than 80lbs. Not only did this woman inspire me to go back to school and get my degree, but she inspired me to be healthy. Meghan ran a 5k a month last year and is now training for her first 10k. All of this with a knee issue that has plagued her since childhood.

I love these two twat-waffles so very, very much. Even though we call each other terrible names.

Find someone to inspire you. It doesn't matter if you know them, or you've just read about them. Realize that you can be just like them if you try. But also realize that you still get to be you, which makes it even better :)

The Kindness of Strangers

I am having the best day ever.

I had a swim workout this morning, but instead of my usual 6:30 am start, she needed to meet at 6:00. No big deal, I thought, it's only an extra half hour.

It is a big deal. For some reason, seeing a 4 on your alarm clock instead of a 5 makes it that much harder to get up. But I did. I hauled ass, got myself and the dogs ready, and made it to the gym on time.

It was a tough workout, but I felt great at the end. My trainer has gotten to the point where she doesn't get in the water with me anymore, but instead walks along the top as I swim to watch my technique and give me pointers. It feels like a real swim practice :)

I finished and heading to the showers for my normal post-workout routine. As I was drying my hair and putting on makeup, a woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I can see the difference."

I must have looked slightly confused and she followed up with, "I haven't been here in about a month, and I kicked myself this morning when I saw you and saw how great you look. Good job, keep it up."

It was hard to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. I thanked her profusely and told her that she made my day.

As I got into my car, with a huge grin on my face, I realized something.

I see myself every day. I look in the mirror every day. So I don't see those subtle changes in my body that someone who hasn't seen me for a while will notice. That wonderful woman gave me a
boost of confidence and motivation to keep going, which was definitely needed on this extra early morning.

So today, if you see someone you haven't seen in a while, or even someone you see every day, pay them a compliment. When they look in the mirror later, it might remind them of the goal they are working towards. It will at least brighten their day :)

Learning to Sink or Swim

Literally. I am learning how to not drown in a pool and maybe, just maybe, to become a decent swimmer.

I started swimming in February. I knew that I was going to have yet another foot surgery and working out on land was becoming increasingly difficult with the foot pain I was experiencing. So, I talked to the lovely people at the WAC and they recommended a personal trainer at the WAC - Menomonee Falls. My trainer, Jess, has become one of my favorite people ever. But more on that later.

When I first mentioned to people that I was getting swimming lessons, the repeating question was, "You don't know how to swim?"

Yes. I know how to swim. But like any other sport that I do infrequently, it ain't pretty. I hadn't used many of the muscles needed for swimming before and there was no way I could just jump in and start swimming laps. The closest I have ever been to lap swimming was managing the boys swim team in high school. And let's be honest, I was just doing that for the hot guys in skimpy clothing.

The first few weeks were in the non-lap pool and it was a lot of jogging down and back, some basic front crawl, the kick board and fun cardio exercises. I had to take a break for a few weeks for my foot surgery but when I got back into the pool, I was ready to kick some major butt.

At first, I would head to the WAC over my lunch break, but I started going before work instead. I loved how I felt when I got into work after my workout. I was wide awake, and the endorphins streaming through my body made me a very pleasant person. I was feeling really good about myself. I was actually doing a front crawl down and back and had ditched the kickboard completely. I was learning how to breathe better under water and I was starting to feel like I was getting the hang of things.

Then we moved to the lap pool.

First, let me tell you, the lap pool is MUCH colder than the other pool. Like "Holy God, why am I in this water?" cold.  My first laps down and back seemed to take forever. This pool was longer and my body knew it. But a funny thing happened after a few workouts. It started to feel easier.

We started to move on to my technique. I was doing drills to keep my arms a little closer to my body and really get a good pull with every stroke. I was not only doing freestyle, but was starting to incorporate back stroke and breast stroke.

Then the strangest thing ever happened: I went to the gym, on my own. No personal trainer appointment. No class. I just went and swam. Not once, but twice. In one week. I swam four times in one week, two by myself. Now you may think that this does not deserve and award, but it totally does. I am not a go-to-the-gym every day kind of girl. I usually get a gym membership, go for a month. Stop going, and cancel my membership a year later.

That's when it hit me. I am addicted to swimming. I absolutely love it. Much of that has to do with my super awesome swim instructor. As I mentioned before, I adore Jess. She motivates me and makes me feel accomplished with every workout.

Last Saturday I got a new tattoo which means no swimming for a week. I woke up, naturally, at the time I would for swimming almost every day. My body really wanted me to get back into the pool. So, today I did. And I did a workout similar to what people who are on a swim team do at most practices. I hurt all over, but mentally, I feel like a rock star.

I still put on my swimsuit and feel self-conscious about how I look, but I think every girl feels that, no matter her size. The difference between me and most of those other girls? I realize that it doesn't matter how I look in my swimsuit. I'm not there for compliments. I'm there to kick ass and become a great swimmer. Which will lead to the next goal I have, competing in a triathlon. Just one step at a time.

 

Size Doesn't Matter

I spend way too much time beating myself up over a number. The number being the one on the scale, or the one on the tag of my jeans, or even the number attached to my birthday. Up one, down one, up two, down five. I have always been acutely aware of all of the numbers floating around my life. The latest has been, "Ooh, you're in your 30's now, you really need to drop "x" lbs as soon as you can. It's only going to get hard as you add "x" years to your life"

So, you can imagine my disappointment when I started swimming regularly, eating better and seeing a personal trainer once a week, and the numbers didn't change. The numbers are what matters! I will be so much happier when I am down a pants size! If I just lose 20 lbs, everything will be ok!

To my surprise, I started feeling better, without the numbers changing. I started looking forward to the 5am alarm to get me going to my swim lesson. And when I get to work afterword, I felt amazing.

How can this be? How can I feel better without being skinnier?!?! This goes against everything I know!

And yet it's true. I feel so much better right now. I feel like my legs look a little more toned than they did last week... and my stomach might just be a little flatter. Now, I know what you are thinking, muscle weighs more than fat. Yes, I am very aware of this. But I have always been under the impression that when you are overweight, you lose fat first and then create new/more muscle. So, I don't know what the hell is happening with my body, but I do know that I really like it. (Well, yes, I know that I am getting healthier, but it is defying what my little brain thinks should happen)

I actually like it so much, that this morning, I went to the gym, and swam, on my own. Again, I know what you're thinking; this is no big deal, people do this all the time. Well, I don't do this all the time. My overwhelming fear of looking like an idiot at the gym has kept me from going without my personal trainer watching over me. (See my other post about going to the gym...) And my extreme love of sleep makes it really hard to get over that fear.

When my alarm went off this morning, there was a battle going on in my brain. It went something like this:

"Get up now."
"Well, if you don't get up, it's no big deal. An extra hour of sleep sounds pretty good."
"You're going to be really mad at yourself if you don't get up."
"How mad would I really be? I mean, I will have gotten an extra house of sleep. That would make me feel pretty good."
"Jesus Christ Erin. Get your ass out of bed."
"Fine. Screw you brain. I'm getting up."

I made my breakfast, made it to the gym and got my entire workout routine in with time to spare. I got to work early and felt amazing. So, even though I will sit at my desk all day in my size 18 pants and my XL top, just as I have for the past year, I will know that even without the numbers changing, I am changing. And I am changing for the better.

Oh! Hi Confidence! Where have you been hiding?

It is amazing what dropping 13lbs can do to you. I still have a long way to go, but with just 13lbs, I have noticed changes in my body. Mostly in my face.

I have a very round face, so I have never really noticed if a gained or lost any weight there. When my sister (who has a much more oval shaped face) started dropping her weight, within a week she looked like a different person.
Then recently I noticed that it was a little harder to stretch my neck out for photos. I could see and extra layer hiding behind my chin. But it was the first to go when I started losing weight. I look in the mirror in the morning and once again, I see me. That in addition to the little bit of a tan I got in Puerto Rico, has put a bounce back in my step. Yes, I am still self conscious of how my legs look in the dress I am wearing, but it sort of doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm working toward something better. A better Erin.

More than anything, this new found confidence is great motivation to keep going. I was commenting to my swim instructor that I am not seeing the weight fall off as quickly as I want and the look on her face was priceless. "Do you know how many laps you swam today, Erin? 20. You swam 20 laps. Could you have done that the first time we met?" No, I couldn't. I could barely swim one lap. I was clinging to that kick board for dear life the first time we met. I never thought I could do as much as I have.

The next step is to start running again. This scares me more than anything. I miss running, but I am so afraid to get out there knowing that my first mile is going to take me far longer than the last mile I ran. I keep telling myself that I just need to get up and do it, but sometimes the voice in my head that tells me it's not worth the disappointment is so much louder than the voice telling me to go for it. Luckily for me, I have a ton of other voices in my life. Loud ones too (I'm looking at you Meghan and Steva) that will drown out that nagging disappointment voice. So keep yelling friends (in a nice way!) and keep reminding me that I have spent a lifetime surrounding myself with beautiful people who are they for me when I need them. I couldn't do it without you.

Puerto Rico and Getting Back on the Wagon

I just have to start by saying, if you haven't visited Puerto Rico, do it. Do it now. It was hands down the best vacation I have ever taken. I won't give you a minute by minute breakdown, but here's the overall vacation.

We landed in San Juan on Friday, June 13th. A quick cab to our hotel to meet our friends, a light dinner and we called it a fairly early night. Ok, there was some rum drinking involved, but not too much :)

Saturday we got into our rental car and headed to the west side of the island towards a little town called Lares. My friends family has their home their and we were planning on spending the next three nights with them. Here is the overview of Lares:
- House with a beautiful view of the mountains

- Puppies to hang out with
- Amazing food, including fresh orange juice (picked at the property) in the morning
- Ventana Caves

- Playa Succia and Crash Boat Beach

- Jeep ride into the mountains
- Amazing family to spend time with

From Lares we headed back to San Juan to our rental property. We had rented a house in Old San Juan; a beautiful 2 bedroom home within walking distance of all the things we wanted to see. Here is the overview of San Juan:
- Shopping

- Rum
- Bacardi Distillery Tour
- Kayaking in a Bio-luminescent Bay
- Really good food
- Tour of Castillo San Felipe del Morro, one of the original forts on the island
- More rum

The views were breathtaking and the experience was unbelievable. I LOVE plantains and Mofungo has become my favorite meal ever. I think the only reason why I didn't come home 20lbs heavier is because ALL we did was walk. And it was about 10,000 degrees outside with the humidity looming right around 300%. Seriously, I have never been so hot in my entire life. Which brings me to my next point...

Getting back on the wagon.
Vacation is amazing, but it was way too hot to do any exercise besides walking, so now that I am home and back to reality, it's time to get moving again. The Advocare challenge helped me to lose about 13lbs. I felt a lot better when it was done, but I am ready to start again! Well, not the challenge per say, but ready to get back to eating healthy and working out!

Graduating College

Last week was crazy. I finally graduated from college! Walking across that stage and getting my diploma was an amazing feeling. I love that my closest friends and family were there and I couldn't keep the huge grin from creeping across my face all night! And none of it would have happened without my sister. 

When I graduated from high school, I went right on to college. My parents moved me from Milwaukee to Minneapolis to go to school at the U of M-Twin Cities. I loved it up there. It was beautiful, I was making friends easily and I didn't hate my classes. And then, my life crumbled. My mom's best friend was hit and killed by a car while crossing the street in Milwaukee. This man had been a mentor to me. He was the first adult that recognized my sister and I as more than just "Brigid's daughters". We were individuals to him. I has asked him to be my confirmation sponsor when I was 16. My present from him was a day trip to Chicago to pick out a dress and lunch at the Walnut Room at Marshall Fields. I had never felt like such a grown up in my life. Losing him was like a punch in the gut. 

Going back to school after his funeral was a waste. I fell easily back into depression (something I have fought my whole life) and started having anxiety attacks in class. Finally, I just stopped going to school and moved home before the end of the semester.

My parents lived on the east side of Milwaukee, near the UW-Milwaukee campus, so I enrolled in classes there. My first semester back in Milwaukee wasn't bad. I had my friends and family close and felt like I could cope with the changes. I enrolled in some great acting classes and have VERY close friends to this day because of it. (Love you Aliza and Rob!) After living at home for the first semester, it was time to get an apartment. The problem was, I had a hard time balancing work, school and my social life. I moved back and forth from my parents house for the next few years. Sometimes attending class, sometimes calling it quits after just a few weeks. Finally, in 2003, I gave up. I just wasn't ready.

At the same time, my sister had left me for school in Stevens Point, WI. She made it through the first year, but also decided to come back home. She also enrolled locally to continue classes, but eventually decided that moving back to Stevens Point was the best way to finish her degree. So, she left everything in Milwaukee and moved back to Point. 

That was a very hard time for me. I loved living in the same city as my sister and having her 3 hours away was tough. I visited whenever I could which ended up being at least one weekend a month. Then it got harder. Meghan moved to London for 4 months. That was really tough. We spoke almost every day, and I even got the chance to visit her. I was amazed when I went to London. The Meghan I knew had been replaced with this confident, independent, skinny woman! (Not that she wasn't before, but living by yourself in a foreign country really can change you!) 

6 months later, I watched her walk the stage (sicker than a dog!) in Stevens Point. I realized that if she could do it so could I. That was in 2008, but the summer of 2010, I was enrolled in classes at Ottawa University. 4 long years later balancing 3 jobs and wedding planning and I made it. I officially have a BA in Communications with a minor in Marketing. And it's all because of my sister. 

Learning to love the gym...

Let's just put it out there. I hate the gym. I don't even like going to the gym at my office. I have always been a team sport girl. I got my exercise from playing soccer, volleyball, kickball or whatever other group event you asked me to join. I even started to enjoy running because I was outside and could rock out to my music. But I have always, always hated the gym. I have had more gym memberships over the years than I can count or remember and have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on memberships that have gone wasted. I start out strong, but within a month or so, I stop going. I convince myself to keep the membership because spending that amount of money will motivate me to go back. It never does.

This post is not about how I adore the gym now, but more about how I am slowly starting to tolerate it...

Reasons I hate the gym:

1. Locker Rooms. I am pretty confident about my body. I know who I am and what I look like. I grew up dancing and playing soccer which forced me to change my clothes in the most public of places. But nothing, nothing will prepare you for the women's locker room. You are crammed into a tiny corner with 8 other women and 16 nipples staring at you. It's not that I think that they need to be more private or cover up, it's simply that sometimes, I would rather you turn your back to me when you put on your bra. My favorite so far was the woman who stood in the vanity area (you know, the horseshoe shaped area that has mirrors on EVERY wall to dry your hair and put on make-up) stark naked, and got ready. I can find ways to avert my eyes when you are at a locker near me, but when I am surrounded by mirrors, there is NO WHERE to look. Your naked body followed me every where I tried to turn.

Also, since I am a bigger girl, I can't use the towels they provide at the gym to cover up. Mainly because their towels only cover a thigh and a half on me. So, I trudge around in my giant grey beach towel feeling awkward.

2. I have no idea what I am doing. Really, I don't. I obviously know how to use the treadmill and the elliptical, as well as other similar machines, but with my bum foot, I can barely do those types of exercises. So, even after meeting with a few trainers and reviewing options, I leave confused. One trainer tells me that I should never use the machines, they won't give you the best workout. Another trainer only tells me to use the machines. Even if I used the machines, which ones do I use? On what days? What weights do I put them at? I know now to do reps of 12, (at least that is what one trainer told me) but am I doing them right?

3. Walking into a new class alone scares the crap out of me. I love taking classes. I have driven down to Racine (a 45 minute hike) with my sister to take a Zumba class on more than one occasion. But to just pick a class and drop in? Everyone else will know more than me! They will all stare and laugh at me as I struggle through the moves! Yes, I realize these ideas are all in my head, but it's hard to tell those voices to shut up.

4. I struggle to motivate myself to keep going. Getting there is half the battle, right? Not for me. If I feel like the treadmill is kicking my butt, I will usually stop instead of powering through. Some people will say that its ok, I am just listening to my body. Well, my body is a whiny little bitch. Sometimes, it just needs to get slapped and told to MTFU. I just find it hard to tell myself to do that some days. Now, put me in a room or a pool with a personal trainer and I will push myself as far as I can go. I am a people pleaser, so having a personal trainer works very well for me. The problem is, a gym membership for me is $65. Then 30 minutes with a personal trainer is another $30-$40. That adds up quickly.

5. I am an instant gratification type of girl. I know that there is no logic behind this, but I want to go to the gym on a Monday and wake up 2lbs lighter on a Tuesday. I know that's not how it works. But I will go to the gym for a full week and see no changes and get totally down on myself. Which in turn, makes me ot want to go back the next week.

I completely understand that these are all in my head. I know I should just keep it up, keep trying and keep asking for help, and I will get there. Right now, I am spending the extra money on seeing a personal trainer 2-3 times a week. It motivates me and helps me to learn what I should be doing while I am at the gym. But even those mornings, post swim, I feel awkward sitting in front of the mirrors, still red faced from the intense pool workout I just endured. Luckily, my foot is slowly getting better and soon I will be able to start biking and running to supplement my workouts and should be able to cut down my personal trainer visits. But until then, I may need to find a workout buddy.

So, who wants to go to the WAC with me?!?!?

Trudging Along

This whole blogging thing still feels a bit strange to me, as part of me feels that I should be posting every day, but the other part of me knows that I don't even find my life interesting enough to be memorialized daily, why would others? So, I will continue the pattern I have, it feels right for right now.

There are a lot of big things happening at Camp Hennen. Last Friday night I had my graduation rehearsal. I am finally getting my Bachelor's of Communication from Ottawa University this Friday night! After the rehearsal (which was a bit painful... we're such a small group that they don't line us up alphabetically! It hurts my OCD!) we went to a "reflection dinner" to look back at our time together. Since we are all adult students, this is a very different experience from what others have had. I had arranged with a friend to make sure she would be there and I wouldn't be alone the whole night, but I was amazed at how many other people I knew. Some of the people I hadn't seen since my first terms at Ottawa, but they not only remembered me, but asked me about my job or my family. I felt awful, because their faces were familiar, but that was it.  I was amazed that people remembered things about me from one 8-week course 3 years ago, but I didn't know their name without a name tag.

Saturday night we had dinner with an amazing group of friends that we try to get together with monthly. John and I had to make a decision about how we were going to handle events like this. Do we stick to our guns and only eat what we can and not drink? Or do we enjoy ourselves without going overboard? We have decided that even though the challenge tells us not to drink at all during this time and to stick to the food guidelines, that since we don't want to live our whole lives this way, we should have fun, but be smart. We each had wine and appetizers with the group, but I made sure to have a few seltzers in there as well. Yes, I had the kettle chips as an app, but I also ordered mahi mahi tacos for dinner. More than anything, this challenge is going to help me finally learn moderation!

Monday was the hardest day by far, however, as I learned that one of the dogs that I groom and take care of had to be put to sleep. I met this dog and her owner back in 2006 when I started working at the Central Bark in Wauwatosa. She was a little shepherd mix and had an infectious smile. She ended up transferring her dogs to the CB in Brookfield when I was the groomer there and we became close. She even followed me back down to my grooming shop clear across town when I left CB! She had a disorder that made it so the muscles in her throat didn't work correctly and she couldn't keep food down. She was losing weight quickly and her mom and dad made the tough decision. All I wanted to do was crawl into a bottle of whiskey and let the pain wash away. Alcohol is always my go to when I am sad. But I knew that it helped no one for me to get drunk and would waste everything I had worked so hard for. So, I settled and had one beer while I made dinner and simply called it an early night.

Dinner was delicious and I am finding so many amazing recipes that make the challenge much easier to get through. Last night was Jerk Chicken with Caribbean Quinoa  and a side of Brussels sprouts. Things are still the same day to day. Half and avocado and a piece of fruit for a snack. Meal replacement shake for breakfast... But I am down 13lbs and feeling great. I am getting into the habit of going to the gym every day and I know that is helping a lot. I still can't do a ton of cardio as my foot gets sore quickly, but every little bit helps, right?

Memorial Day Weekend

Whew, the past weekend was a test of will power! Luckily I made it through.

The movie Friday night was tough, but we brought almonds with us for something crunchy, and I bought a giant bottle of water to keep me going through the film. It worked! (maybe a little too well though, as I had to book it to the bathroom after the movie ended!)

Saturday morning it was off to the grooming shop. It was so lovely to go to work on a Saturday not hungover! I was really busy Saturday which was nice, but unfortunately, when I am busy I forget to do everything else, like eat my snack, or drink water. So, apart from not drinking nearly enough water, I still managed to eat well.

Sunday, we deep cleaned the house. This was WAY overdue. I also finally mowed the lawn. I haven't been able to do this in more than a year as my foot surgery really prohibited me from spending the 90 minutes it takes to finish the job. When I was done, all I wanted was a Summer Shandy. It was hot out, I was sweaty and dirty and a cold beer sounded amazing. I settled for more water. Oh joy.

Lunch was awesome as John ran to Chipotle. I had a naked burrito with brown rice, sofritas, pinto beans, two types of salsa and guacamole. It was delicious! And I could barely finish half before I was stuffed!

After lunch, my sister and I went out to my Dad and Grandpa's house where we sat down with a friend who had done the Boyle genealogy. I have always known that I am full Irish on my mom's side and my dad is exactly a quarter of the following: Irish, Norwegian, Polish and Bohemian. We learned SO much more! First of all, I am most likely not Norwegian, but Finnish and am only the 4th generation Bohemian in America! She also found relatives that fought in WWI as well as the Civil War and we learned that our Irish ancestors came over before the Great Hunger. (I am really excited to learn more about Bohemia!) My favorite, was a crazy relative who lived in Stevens Point who referred to himself as "Buffalo Bill". There were tons of newspaper articles about how "Buffalo Bills gets arrested again!" and "Buffalo Bill back in court". This would be sort of clever if his name was bill, but no. His name was Alex. :)

Monday morning, back to the grooming shop! I had two standard poodles to groom, as well as my dog Gus, who desperately needed a bath. Being at the shop kept me super focused, but once again, I did not drink enough water or remember to eat my lunch :(  We went over to hang out with friends for dinner and I prepared and brought our whole meal so to not be tempted by whatever they had. They were drinking, and even though a vodka/lemonade sounded delicious, I settled for a Lemon LaCroix on ice. It made my brain think I was holding a drink without compromising the cleanse! We talked a lot about our upcoming trip to Puerto Rico. That alone keeps me motivated!

Back up this morning for day 7 of the cleanse. The good news is I am finally done with the giant herbal pills that I had to gag down at night, but unfortunately, it means that I am back on the fiber drink. Yuck! Mixing it with my Spark helps, but the consistency is still just off! Then it was off to my swim lesson. I don't think I have ever been to motivated to kick ass. I am consistently pushing myself as far as I can. I have realized how silly it is to half-ass a workout, so as long as my foot holds up, I am all in.  

My Standard Poodles from Monday. Cabot and Sebastian.

Advocare Day 4

Yeah, I skipped a day, but I don't think you want a play by play of every minute of my life. I swear I am not that exciting :)

Yesterday was a pretty normal day. I had my delicious meal replacement shake and a spark mixed with fiber drink (to get rid of the awful taste/texture issue) and I was off to work. Snacks yesterday were bananas and a nut mix, but the tough part was lunch. I had a lunch date with a coworker. This was the first time on the cleanse that I was going to be tested by food. I sadly had to tell my coworker that we could not get Thai food (my favorite!) and we settled on Ruby Tuesdays for their soup and salad bar. I walked through the salad forcing myself to skip all the cheese and yummy pasta salads. I threw one crouton on my plate to satisfy my craving for bread and almost cried when the waiter placed three cheesy biscuits down next to me. They smelled amazing! But I pushed them away and dug into my salad. Within a few moments, my soup arrived, Chicken Tortilla. The bowl was SURROUNDED by tortilla chips. I quickly grabbed them and put them on a spare plate. I needed all temptations to be as far away from me as possible! At the end, I was happy that I made it through.

Back at work, I had a personal trainer session scheduled with my friend at the gym we have on site. This was my first training session on dry land since I had my foot surgery. I was worried about how badly my foot would swell up with all of the moving I was going to do, but I was ready to get my butt kicked. I love these workout sessions because I do them with one of my favorite people and our trainer is great. We spend the entire time gossiping with each other while dripping with sweat.

While my lunch and workout was great, in general, my workday was anything but. I had some huge escalation issues at work. People were just off their game and it left me tired and cranky. I got home and just wanted to curl up in my hammock and nap drink a bottle of wine. In lieu of that, I just stayed cranky. I felt awful, because my poor husband has to take the brunt of my emotions which are typically all over the place. So, in addition to being, tired and stressed, I felt guilty that I couldn't communicate to John why I felt this way and he had to deal with me. I went to bed early hoping that a good nights sleep would make me feel better.

The sleep helped a little, but what helped more was getting on the scale and seeing that I was down 10lbs. While that is a lot of weight, I remind myself that losing 10lbs when you are attempting to lose 100lbs total is much easier than losing 10lbs when your goal is only to lose 15. When you are really heavy, the first pounds seem to melt away with relative ease. While I know this, I still refuse to dismiss the fact that I lost 10lbs.  It's still a huge accomplishment.

Today is Friday and while the day itself is going better, I am really worried about tonight. John and I are going to see the new X-Men movie with some of our friends and I LOVE movie theatre popcorn. I can live without the soda or candy, but I will go to a movie just to get popcorn. I will be bringing some almonds and water with me to help quell my cravings.

Even worse is that this weekend is Memorial Day weekend. There will be a ton of opportunities to eat great barbecue and drink delicious, cold, refreshing beers. To help, I have signed up to work my second job, a lot. Working all day Saturday and Monday should help keep temptation away. Also, I ordered a new swimsuit for my upcoming vacation to Puerto Rico. The thought of being possibly 20lbs lighter by then and rocking that new suit should make it easier to grab a bottle of water instead of a bottle of beer.

Advocare Day 2

Having done this cleanse once before, the first two days have gone by with relative ease. Last night was a little hectic as I had therapy dog training class, but lucky for me, John was willing to make dinner.

I went to bed exhausted after getting very little sleep the night before, and woke up bright and early to hit the pool. I was psyched to see that I was down 4.4lbs from yesterday. I know that it is COMPLETELY water weight, but it is still nice to step on the scale and see a number lower than the day before. So, I grabbed my gym bad and heading to my workout.

I have an AMAZING trainer at the WAC in Menomonee Falls. A lot of people are confused why I have a trainer to swim. And yes, I do know how to swim, but when you are as out of shape as I am, you can't just jump in a pool and swim laps. I needed to do the same thing that people do with weights and machines, but as low impact in the pool. So, I get a combination of swimming a few laps and working on my breathing along with jogging and bunny hopping the length of the pool (Holy Calf Workout Batman!), all sorts of jumping as well as running up the down the stairs and squats and crunches in the water and planks and water weights and... well, we do a lot. I love the way I feel when I am done with my work outs!

I slammed a meal replacement shake and had a banana and I hit the ground running at work. Snacks at work so far have been half an avocado and a piece of fruit. Since I'm pretty sure I could live off of avocados, you will hear no complaints from me :) Lunch both yesterday and today was sliced turkey with tomatoes, cucumbers and mustard on a tortilla. Nothing terrible, but it gets me through the day. I am also spending a lot of time on Pinterest looking up new meals. We spent the first cleanse sticking to the recipes that come with your start-up kit and although some were delicious, I wanted a change. Tonight on the menu is Seared Scallops with Sweet Potato Cauliflower Puree. If this turns out half as delicious as it sounds, I am in for a great dinner!

Today's only downside was that the swelling in my foot was pretty bad. I had to do a few laps of campus and by the time I made it back to my desk at 2, my foot was almost double in size and the incision was pretty red. My biggest struggle right now is that there are no shoes that do not rub on the top of my foot where it is healing. Flip flops are the best I can do, but even those can irritate it after a while. I have tried wearing running shoes, but usually the swelling makes it so I can't lace them up at all. I am healing much better than I did last time, but it's still rough going. I really want to dive back in to life. Patience is not one of my virtues.

*Update* Dinner was freaking amazing.

Hitting Rock Bottom

It happened. I hit rock bottom. It's ok though, because I have no where to go but up.

To back things up, let's start with who I am. My name is Erin and I am 31. Just 5 months ago I had an amazing wedding and am loving spending my life with a rockstar of a husband along with four dogs and two cats. In the five years that John and I have been together, my life has changed a lot. The best and worst of which have been becoming a runner and then having to stop running due to a Morton's Neuroma. Surgery to remove that was last May after all other treatment options failed. The healing process was slow and painful, which I thought was due to the fact that it was foot surgery and it is hard to give your foot time to heal. I was wrong. It was mainly due to a Stump Neuroma that developed on what remained of my nerve. That was removed via surgery on April 11th of this year. While I am feeling a million times better, I am still healing and my foot likes to swell up to football sized proportions when over used. Since finding the Stump Neuroma, I have signed up with a personal trainer to get in the pool and try exercises that do not put a ton of pressure on my foot. 

Now, my story of hitting the bottom. I have always been a big girl, but I rocked it. I am confident and I know that I am beautiful. I would look in the mirror and know that dropping a few pounds would be good for me, but I thought, as long as I exercise and eat relatively well, I am ok with who I am. 

The first surgery added 30 pounds. I was off of my foot almost entirely for an entire summer and since then, anything over 20 minutes of walking had me limping. I made excuses. "Well, I really can't afford to see the personal trainer more than once a week." "It's fine to have a burger and fries today, I'll have a salad tomorrow." The excuses piled on, and so did the weight. When it came time for my December wedding, I was the heaviest I have ever been. But even that wasn't rock bottom. 

Last weekend, my sister and I went to Fort Lauderdale to celebrate her turning 30 with a very close friend. The night before her birthday, we went out for drinks at an awesome Polynesian bar with great rum drinks. While wandering through their gardens, we asked a waiter to take a picture of the three of us together.  I was wearing a maxi dress that I lived in last summer. But the girl in the picture couldn't be me. Her arms were huge and nothing could hide the belly. I blew it off as a bad picture and went on with my vacation. The next day, the three of us were shopping and as I wandered by a mirror, there was girl who looked just like me wearing the same shorts and tank top I had on. But her legs were much heavier than mine could be. Must be a weird mirror. That night, we got ready to celebrate and started getting all dolled up. I had a new dress that I really liked and was really excited. I got ready and looked in the mirror. All of the excuses faded away, all of the attempt to dismiss the image were gone. I was no longer the person that I thought I was. 

Luckily for me, I didn't have time to get down on myself. The weekend was about my sister, not me. I went through the rest of the weekend celebrating and having a great time, knowing that the second I got home, things were changing. 

So, today marks Day 1 of the Advocare 24 day challenge. I have done this challenge once before with good results and I am ready to kill it this time. I am done being overweight. I am ready to find me again.