Size Doesn't Matter

I spend way too much time beating myself up over a number. The number being the one on the scale, or the one on the tag of my jeans, or even the number attached to my birthday. Up one, down one, up two, down five. I have always been acutely aware of all of the numbers floating around my life. The latest has been, "Ooh, you're in your 30's now, you really need to drop "x" lbs as soon as you can. It's only going to get hard as you add "x" years to your life"

So, you can imagine my disappointment when I started swimming regularly, eating better and seeing a personal trainer once a week, and the numbers didn't change. The numbers are what matters! I will be so much happier when I am down a pants size! If I just lose 20 lbs, everything will be ok!

To my surprise, I started feeling better, without the numbers changing. I started looking forward to the 5am alarm to get me going to my swim lesson. And when I get to work afterword, I felt amazing.

How can this be? How can I feel better without being skinnier?!?! This goes against everything I know!

And yet it's true. I feel so much better right now. I feel like my legs look a little more toned than they did last week... and my stomach might just be a little flatter. Now, I know what you are thinking, muscle weighs more than fat. Yes, I am very aware of this. But I have always been under the impression that when you are overweight, you lose fat first and then create new/more muscle. So, I don't know what the hell is happening with my body, but I do know that I really like it. (Well, yes, I know that I am getting healthier, but it is defying what my little brain thinks should happen)

I actually like it so much, that this morning, I went to the gym, and swam, on my own. Again, I know what you're thinking; this is no big deal, people do this all the time. Well, I don't do this all the time. My overwhelming fear of looking like an idiot at the gym has kept me from going without my personal trainer watching over me. (See my other post about going to the gym...) And my extreme love of sleep makes it really hard to get over that fear.

When my alarm went off this morning, there was a battle going on in my brain. It went something like this:

"Get up now."
"Well, if you don't get up, it's no big deal. An extra hour of sleep sounds pretty good."
"You're going to be really mad at yourself if you don't get up."
"How mad would I really be? I mean, I will have gotten an extra house of sleep. That would make me feel pretty good."
"Jesus Christ Erin. Get your ass out of bed."
"Fine. Screw you brain. I'm getting up."

I made my breakfast, made it to the gym and got my entire workout routine in with time to spare. I got to work early and felt amazing. So, even though I will sit at my desk all day in my size 18 pants and my XL top, just as I have for the past year, I will know that even without the numbers changing, I am changing. And I am changing for the better.

Oh! Hi Confidence! Where have you been hiding?

It is amazing what dropping 13lbs can do to you. I still have a long way to go, but with just 13lbs, I have noticed changes in my body. Mostly in my face.

I have a very round face, so I have never really noticed if a gained or lost any weight there. When my sister (who has a much more oval shaped face) started dropping her weight, within a week she looked like a different person.
Then recently I noticed that it was a little harder to stretch my neck out for photos. I could see and extra layer hiding behind my chin. But it was the first to go when I started losing weight. I look in the mirror in the morning and once again, I see me. That in addition to the little bit of a tan I got in Puerto Rico, has put a bounce back in my step. Yes, I am still self conscious of how my legs look in the dress I am wearing, but it sort of doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm working toward something better. A better Erin.

More than anything, this new found confidence is great motivation to keep going. I was commenting to my swim instructor that I am not seeing the weight fall off as quickly as I want and the look on her face was priceless. "Do you know how many laps you swam today, Erin? 20. You swam 20 laps. Could you have done that the first time we met?" No, I couldn't. I could barely swim one lap. I was clinging to that kick board for dear life the first time we met. I never thought I could do as much as I have.

The next step is to start running again. This scares me more than anything. I miss running, but I am so afraid to get out there knowing that my first mile is going to take me far longer than the last mile I ran. I keep telling myself that I just need to get up and do it, but sometimes the voice in my head that tells me it's not worth the disappointment is so much louder than the voice telling me to go for it. Luckily for me, I have a ton of other voices in my life. Loud ones too (I'm looking at you Meghan and Steva) that will drown out that nagging disappointment voice. So keep yelling friends (in a nice way!) and keep reminding me that I have spent a lifetime surrounding myself with beautiful people who are they for me when I need them. I couldn't do it without you.